PARENTING THE BIBLICAL WAY: LEADERSHIP DISCIPLINE

Proverbs 13:24 (NLT)

(Media Clip from Beverly Hillbillies)

I suspect that there is probably no one subject that brings about as much of discussion and debate and often a ruckus as well as does the subject of punishing children….or should I say disciplining children. I also suspect that the preponderance of child abuse has overly sensitized the issue of disciplining children. I think we would rather err on the side of not disciplining than ever wondering if, in fact, we have gone overboard in disciplining and possibly abusing our children. But in the process we have in many cases thrown out the baby with the bathwater and as such we are in fact abusing our children when we refuse to address the idea of discipline and children.

Most of the disciplining of children nowadays comes in the form of behavior modification. That is to say that if children misbehave the best way to discipline them is to put them in “time out” or take their cell phone away or ground them. John Rosemond believes that works but only with animals…not children. Not even children who behave like animals. While most of us do believe in disciplining our children, the real question is what kind of discipline works best.

Now that is not to say that children do not need to understand that there are consequences to their behavior. They do need to learn that…..for that is the way God created the world. But that understanding does not guarantee proper behavior. As far as children go consequences are more like packets of information….and children are not in a position to process that information, yet.

So, what do parents do when consequences have failed….when they have done the right thing and children keep right on doing the wrong things?

Children do have a tendency to “try you”….to see where the boundaries are. My son tried that regularly early on in his life. A newly bought toy…an orange Dukes of Hazard car if I remember correctly, managed to find its way up and down my neck while driving the fifteen miles it took to get home from the mall one evening. I asked him twice to please do not do that. He persisted and I assured him that his new car would find its way into my possession if he didn’t quit. He did it again at which time I informed him that I would stop the car and take the car away from him if he did that once more. He of course did it again. I stopped the car and I managed to relieve him of his car. I am confident we had to do that a few times before he finally listened. If that hadn’t worked we would have continued that same methodology until it worked.

The misguided belief that the right consequences produce right behavior is the source of most of the frustration many of today’s parents in the area of discipline. When a certain consequence or methodology does not bring about a lasting change today’s parents conclude that they are using the wrong approach. They then will begin looking for different methods that will work. They get more and more frustrated until they finally wind up in a psychologist’s office. The psychologist will tell them that since their efforts have not worked there must be something biologically wrong with their child…some kind of disorder which now demands some kind of medicine.

Now I know that medicine is in fact at times necessary but in my opinion not nearly as much as it is prescribed today. Many of today’s behavioral problems were unheard of fifty years ago. Has the biology of our children changed that much that we now need drugs and medicine, or could it be that child rearing styles have significantly changed?

John Rosemond suggests that Postmodern Psychological Parenting methods that are being offered are basically worthless and have brought pharmaceuticals and medicine into the picture more so than they needs to be. Post modern parenting methods and traditional child rearing have nothing in common. They are in fact antithetical.

So what is the answer for children who continue to misbehave? The answer is leadership discipline for children. The word “discipline” literally means “to create a disciple.” Discipline then is the process by which parents transform a willful child into a willing disciple….someone who will look up to them, trust them, subscribe to their values, and follow their lead. This is accomplished not by manipulating consequences but by providing the child with effective leadership.

Discipline is not a reward-ship or punishment-ship or method-ship or a consequence-ship. Discipline is an attitude, a mindset, not a methodology.

Effective leaders/ parents are distinguished not by how they manipulate reward and punishment but by the following:

*They may disapprove of what you do, but they always approve of you. There is no room for parents putting their children down as being no good or as the kind of people who will never amounting to anything.

*They lead through example. They do not expect others to do what they have not done or are unwilling to do.

*They are enthusiastic concerning their vision and their enthusiasm is communicable.

*They motivate others by helping people reach down inside them and bringing out the best in them.

*They are decisive and are willing to make unpopular decisions.

*They stay the course when the going gets tough.

For instance, a teacher asks to be assigned the most ill-behaved children in the school…children who have run over other teachers. She has no problems with these kids. If you go into her classroom you will see that she controls the class through the sheer will of her personality. She is a leader. She has charisma. She doesn’t control her class by manipulating reward and punishment. She controls her class with her sense of purpose. When a child in her class misbehaves she simply stops what she is doing and looks at the child until he regains self control. She then asks, “Do you want to say something to the whole class?” at which point the child stands up and turns to look at his or her classmates and says, “I’m sorry.”

That is what discipline is all about. Parents discipline their children through their leadership.

Chances are that the parents you know with the best behaved kids are also the calmest, least frazzled parents. They are calm and composed because they have mastered the art of leadership discipline.

The word used in scripture to denote the importance of parental leadership discipline is the word “rod.” “Spare the rod and spoil the child” is probably the best known of all the rod sayings. Is it in the Bible? No, it is not in the Bible per se. It is an old English proverb. It is Biblical in that in Proverbs 13:24 says something similar: “Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them.” It may come as a surprise to know that the word “rod” used in a number of Bible verses does not mean spanking. To spare the rod does not mean not spanking. It means a lack of leadership discipline.

Now does the Bible bless spanking as a means of effectively disciplining children? Many of us were raised with the idea of a woodshed or a switch or worse a belt. My father used his hands to reinforce his attempts at discipline but only when everything else failed….which was often and I suspect now that I am older was almost always very much deserved. When his hand connected with my rear end it was always because every other attempt to get my attention had failed.

I remember being hit with a paddle board when in the ninth grade. It was undeserved…no, really it was. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I remember making a note of just how I felt after having been whipped at that age. I made a mental note and thought that if ever I would be fortunate enough to be a father I would never, ever do that to my children unless absolutely necessary. So, did I spank my children? I wouldn’t even want to refer it as spanking. I spanked or should I say tweaked only two or three times that I can remember. Even then while it may have contributed to their welfare it probably did more for me for I was probably at the end of my rope.

So, does the Bible express an opinion about spanking a child? Many of those who believe that the Bible does do that equate the word “rod” with spanking. They equate the word rod with a switch or the like when in fact the word was but a symbol of legitimate authority. A King’s rod or scepter, for instance, is a symbol of the king’s authority and not a symbol of force. A shepherd’s staff has also been seen as a type of rod. That rod was at times used to enforce the authority of the shepherd. Taken together those symbols suggest leadership and authority should be used more more so than spanking. Nowhere in scripture does God prescribe a specific form of discipline for children.

I believe that a properly administered spanking has its place is disciplining children. Spanking has a way of reinforcing discipline when nothing else will get the attention of the child. But having said that spanking should never be the be all and end all of discipline. Spanking should always be preceded by all kinds of attempts at communicating, sharing of information and instructions.

The issue of spanking is a controversial one. I continue to believe that spanking (not beating a child) is a viable last resort means at getting the attention of a child when all other attempts have failed. I believe the Bible allows properly administered spanking. I believe the Bible does not prohibit an occasional spanking as part of the overall attempt to discipline our children. I also believe that spanking is the least effective of all attempts to discipline a child. Punitive expressions of your leadership should be the exception, not the rule.

But let me say again that effective discipline does not consist of methods, spanking or otherwise, but effective discipline comes about through effective communication of instructions and expectations all age appropriate---through the leadership of the parents. Discipline is the process by which parents transform a self centered little rebel who wants to believe the universe revolves around him into a willing disciple who willingly puts his parents at the center of his universe. It would be more correct to say that instead of parents disciplining their children they should instead see their task as discipling their children. They should be teaching their children through leadership. Leadership is largely a matter of how effectively one communicates instructions, rules, expectations and boundaries.

A mother wants her four year old child to stick close to her in a crowded store. She says to her child: “While we are in this store, you will stay right next to me at all times. Do you understand?” This leadership discipling.

This is not leadership discipling: “Please don’t make me run after you in the store, okay? It is dangerous, for one thing. You could get lost and some strange man could grab you away and do things to you. So, please don’t run away from me, okay? If you stay with me Mommy will buy you an ice cream cone on the way home, okay?”

When it comes to how you handle misbehavior, the most important of all considerations is what Rosemond calls the “Referee’s Rule”: no threats, second chances or deals. If instead of simply calling fouls when they occurred and assessing the proper penalties, a basketball referee threatened(If you do that one more time, I’ll have to blow the whistle on you), gave second chances (How many times do I have to tell you not to run into another player while he’s got the ball”) or made deals (I’ll overlook that if you promise to wash my car after the game”) when fouls were committed, the game would quickly deteriorate into chaos. Likewise when a parent threatens, cajoles, or makes deals when his or her children misbehave, chaos will reign in the home. When a parent thinks that home life is chaotic I suspect the parent is violating the referee’s rule.

Now I have only scratched the surface in leading this discussion regarding disciplining our children. There is much, much more material in John Rosemond’s book Parenting By the Book. I urge you to buy that book and read it several times for you see there may be no more important responsibility than raising our children…and for us as people of the Book…the Bible…people of faith raising our children, and more broadly living according to the book is critically important.

By way of concluding let me remind you that this book, The Bible reminds us that if you depart from God’s plan in any area of your life, you will experience more (and more serious) problems than you would have encountered otherwise. America has departed from God’s blueprint for child rearing for example and look what it has brought us.

On the other hand, if you adhere to God’s plan in your life, you will still experience sadness, pain, frustration, and heartache but you will endure and you will eventually come out on top. That is God’s promise to us. As it relates to child rearing any parent who so chooses to realign his or her child rearing with God’s plan will begin to experience success.

May God bless us all as we help God raise our children. Godspeed to all you children who are so incredibly important to us all and of course Godspeed to you parents as well…..for when it comes to raising children we will need God’s help…..that is if we want to raise them according to the Book. Amen.

This sermon was written and preached by Dr. Jerry D. Bron at the Southminster Presbyterian Church of Gastonia, NC on February 14, 2010. This sermon manuscript is heavily dependent on John Rosemond’s book, Parenting by the Book. Permission has been granted by John Rosemond to use this material in this way, so please do not use this material for any other purpose.

Parenting the Biblical Way #6 Flash Drive